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This Is HELL to Write About: 22/12/2017
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with
the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a
lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink." Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays ...
0 Commentaires, 24 Consultations,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Frozen Turkey 18/12/2017
Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs,
'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'
'Now, now, ' her mother comforted, 'I am
sure it was all just a misunderstanding.' 'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a
frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about
the price.' 'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate, ' ...
0 Commentaires, 20 Consultations,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Lion cage cleaner 17/12/2017
My first job was at our local Zoo, sweeping the shit out of
the lion, s cage........ most of it was mine. They fired
me the next week for leaving the cage door open, I said "oh
come on, who, s gonna steal a Lion?"
0 Commentaires, 9 Consultations,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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I want to see something really cheap 15/12/2017
After being away on business for a week before Christmas,
Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
<br><br>
<br><br>
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics
clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. <br><br>
"That's a bit much, " said Tom, so she returned
with a smaller bottle for $30. ...
1 Commentaires, 21 Consultations,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Ethel 14/12/2017
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to
charge around the nursing home, taking corners on wheel
and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was sandwich short of a picnic
the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually
joined in. day Ethel was speeding up corridor when a door opened
and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his ...
1 Commentaires, 21 Consultations,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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The Wedding Night. 13/12/2017
eggs decide to get married. Along comes the big day and
everything goes to plan. But they are both very nervous
about the hymoon night so the female egg decides to dress
up in a skimpy little negligee to them get excited.
The husband comes along and sees his wife dressed like this
and all off a sudden runs into the bathroom and locks the
door. The wife is very shocked by his behavior but ...
0 Commentaires, 15 Consultations,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Catholic Dog 13/12/2017
Muldoon lived al in the Irish countryside with only
a pet for company. day the died, and Muldoon we
nt to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog
is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we
cannot have s for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no ...
0 Commentaires, 13 Consultations,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Onions And Christmas Trees 7/12/2017
A family is at the dinner table. The asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? <br><br>
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, , there
are kinds of Boobs: <br><br>
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and
firm. <br><br>
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still
nice but hanging a bit. ...
0 Commentaires, 28 Consultations,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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LIFE THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY' 6/12/2017
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess'
on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me. <br><br>
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. <br><br>
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even
get into my own pants. <br><br>
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and over fifty ...
0 Commentaires, 17 Consultations,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Looks of Disappointment 5/12/2017
A Irishman was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery,
and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered
open and he said, "You're truly beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed
by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open
and he said, "You're really cute." The wife was ...
1 Commentaires, 24 Consultations,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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ONLY IN SCOTLAND 4/12/2017
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy
to speak to the chemist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square
which he unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number
of patches on it. He holds it up. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.'Six
pence, ' says the chemist. ...
1 Commentaires, 21 Consultations,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Trained 29/11/2017
An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills
came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid
eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant
whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have
a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately ...
1 Commentaires, 22 Consultations,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Mick & Paddy 26/11/2017
Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will
you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your
wife in future?' 'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked. 'Because, ' said Mick, 'the whole street
was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'
Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards, the laugh's on
them ... I wasn't home yesterday.'
1 Commentaires, 21 Consultations,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Paddy 24/11/2017
Paddy walks into his GP's surgery and punches doctor!
He then shouts "You bastrd telling my wife she has
a nice fanny!" The doctor says "I told her she's got acute angina..!"
1 Commentaires, 17 Consultations,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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Deodoranjt 20/11/2017
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
1 Commentaires, 13 Consultations,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Near Death Experience 20/11/2017
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death
experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months
and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and
a tummy tuck. She ...
0 Commentaires, 23 Consultations,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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The Blonde and the Casino 20/11/2017
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand
rand (R20, 000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm Completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
...
0 Commentaires, 23 Consultations,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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HOLY SOAP 14/11/2017
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. <br><br>
They undress and step into the showers before they realize
there is no soap. <br><br>
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it,
not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway
down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.. Having no place to ...
0 Commentaires, 21 Consultations,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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Elderly Couple 13/11/2017
An elderly couple who were both widowed had been going out
with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends
they decided it was finally time to get married. Before
the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the
old gentleman decided it was time to broach the ...
1 Commentaires, 26 Consultations,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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This old wino 10/11/2017
This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately
told him to get out. The said that he would only leave
if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking
this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail
stick and watched him stagger back outside. <br><br>
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got
asked to leave by the barman. This ...
1 Commentaires, 24 Consultations,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Frozen Wimdows 6/11/2017
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "pour some luke warm water over it." <br><br>
Wife texts back: <br><br>
<br><br>
"computer completely fucked now."
1 Commentaires, 23 Consultations,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
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Trouble sleeping 27/10/2017
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
<br><br>
"Well, I, uh, " she stammered. "I think
I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." <br><br>
"I see, " he said. "I can help you, but
I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." <br><br>
"That's not ...
1 Commentaires, 38 Consultations,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score
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Jewish Divorce 26/10/2017
A jewish girl calls her mother : 'Mum, I'm getting
a divorce'. 'A divorce? Why?' replied the shocked mother.
'Mum, all he wants his anal sex. I used to have a lovely
little arsehole, the size of a 5p piece. Now its the size
of a 50p piece'. The mother replies 'Sweetie, you have a lovely home,
a Porsche, a platinum credit card and have 4 foreign holidays
a year.... ...
0 Commentaires, 21 Consultations,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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50 Years! 18/10/2017
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember
the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you." Yes. she says. "I remember it well." OK, " he says, "How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...
0 Commentaires, 24 Consultations,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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Vely Good 15/10/2017
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City
restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen
seated there are furiously masturbating. <br><br>
She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are
doing?" <br><br>
One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you
see? We are all berry hungry." <br><br>
The waitress ...
1 Commentaires, 31 Consultations,
9 Votes
,2.57 Score
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How My Husband Broke His Arms.... 14/10/2017
Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't
run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed,
but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought
of a clever way to make the point. <br><br>
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated
in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of sewing scissors. <br><br>
He ...
0 Commentaires, 21 Consultations,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
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The British Way 12/10/2017
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through
the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to
find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well
is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only ...
0 Commentaires, 18 Consultations,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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The Atheist and the Bear 11/10/2017
An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'! He said to himself. <br><br>
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot
grizzly bear charge towards him. <br><br>
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He ...
0 Commentaires, 22 Consultations,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Fairy Tale 10/10/2017
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or bitch......... But it was a long time ago..... …and it was just the ONE day. The End
0 Commentaires, 10 Consultations,
0 Votes
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Guy's Logic 10/10/2017
Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes. <br><br>
Lady: How much a day? Man: Three 6 packs. <br><br>
Lady: How much per 6 pack? Man: About $10.00. <br><br>
Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years. <br><br>
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day
which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year,
it would be $10, 800 ...
0 Commentaires, 15 Consultations,
0 Votes
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